4 Easy Steps to Secure Your Home from Intruding Raptors

Okay...I just spent 45 minutes raptor-proofing the house. I know a lot of people don't do it, but really--what if the raptors attack in the middle of the night? People are always surprised when they are attacked and eaten by a dinosaur, but I am wise enough to know that in today's world, anything can happen. Anything. After everybody but me dies from the swine flu, I need to be able enough to protect myself from any sort of thing that might come my way to gobble me down--and that includes those nasty raptors.

Here's my plan in a couple easy steps. (I would encourage you to simulate this and to tell everyone you care about to do the same.)

First, I installed a simple lock chain on my front door. This might sound overly simplistic, but it will through the raptors off and it might buy you a couple moments, and every moment is precious when you are under attack by dinosaur.

Secondly, I rigged up some sweet barred pocket doors in every major entrance way: the entrance to the living room, living room to the kitchen, and the top of the stairwell. (I know this won't protect my roommate Christy, who lives down stairs, but I can only do so much).

Third--and this was kind of difficult--I dug a hole in the living room floor and stuck 438 forks (prongs up) into the musty woodwork below the floor. I then covered the gaping pit with the strip of carpet I had peeled away. It looks almost natural, so I'll be sure to warn my roommates about it before somebody falls into it. (Ember is kind of accident prone, and it would be just like her to stumble into my scarcely concealed booby-trap in the central walk way.)

The last step will only work if you have a laundry shoot, or if you are willing to construct your own laundry shoot. When all my roommates were out, I put on a slick outfit of spandex and slipped into the square shaped hole in my bathroom--which (thankfully) turned out to be a laundry shoot. (I was pretty sure it was a laundry shoot, but there as an 11% chance it could have been a swirling vortex that would suck me back in time to an age when women didn't shave their legs or have tampon--and that would be awkward--but in retrospect, I suppose it would be effective in helping me elude the dinosaurs). In the scariest 13 seconds of my life, I peregrinated through the metalic, dust-coated tunnel and landed on the cement in the basement. I think I have a minor concussion, but it's okay because I know for a fact that a full sized raptor could not follow me down that opening. And if a baby raptor gets through it, I am confident that I could punch it in the head and at least stun it.

That was all I did, and it only took 45 minutes, give or take a half hour that I might have been passed out in the basement. It wasn't difficult, so I would encourage each and everyone of you to follow my easy four-step plan to protect yourself from dinosaurs if you do, indeed, survive the H1N1 plague.